I can still feel the worn-out floral pattern of the armchair in my first apartment.
I was 22, and I was curled up in that chair, staring at my brick of a Nokia phone, willing it to light up.
I’d spent the entire afternoon helping a guy I was dating let’s call him Ben move into his new place.
I’d packed boxes, hauled his ridiculously heavy record collection up three flights of stairs, and even bought us pizza.
He’d given me a quick, distracted kiss at the door and said, “I’ll text you later, babe. You’re the best.”
“Later” came and went.
I sat in that chair, phone clutched in my hand, my stomach twisting into a familiar knot.
The mental gymnastics began.�
He’s just exhausted. He probably fell asleep. I shouldn’t have bought pepperoni; maybe he hates pepperoni. Maybe I was too helpful, too eager.
The text never came. And the worst part?
When he finally called two days later with a breezy, “Hey, what are you up to?”
I just said, “Nothing much!” and agreed to see him that night.
I abandoned myself for a few crumbs of his attention.
If that story makes a little part of your soul ache with recognition, then I want you to pull up a chair.
Let’s pour a glass of wine and talk, because I’ve been there. You are not alone in this.
Losing your self-respect isn’t a loud, dramatic event. It’s a slow fade.
It’s a series of tiny compromises, quiet justifications, and little betrayals of yourself that, over time, erode the very foundation of who you are.
It’s waking up one day and not recognizing the woman who accepts so little when she deserves so much.
First, Acknowledge the Truth Without Judgment
Before we go any further, I need you to hear this: This is not about shame.
This isn’t about beating yourself up for past mistakes.
This is about gently and bravely turning on the lights to see where you truly are right now.
You are allowed to feel disappointed or sad.
You are allowed to grieve the parts of yourself you’ve silenced.
But you are not allowed to believe you are a lost cause. You are not.
Okay? Let’s take a deep breath.
Now, let’s look at some of the quiet signs that your self-respect might be running on empty.
The 7 Quiet Signs You’re Forgetting Your Worth
I learned these lessons the hard way through dating guys like Ben, through rough patches in my own marriage with David, and through watching amazing women I love settle for less than God’s best for them.
1. You Apologize for Having Needs
Do you find yourself saying “I’m sorry” before asking for something? “
Sorry to bother you, but could you…?” “I’m so sorry, this is a silly question, but…?”
You’ve started to believe that your needs are an inconvenience to others.
A woman who respects herself knows that her needs for help, clarity, and love are valid.
They aren’t an imposition; they are a fundamental part of being human in a relationship.
2. Your Boundaries Are More Like Suggestions
You tell yourself, “I will not answer his calls after 10 p.m.”
But when the phone rings at 11:30, you pick it up.
You tell a family member, “I can’t lend you any more money,” but you write the check anyway, feeling sick to your stomach.
When you don’t enforce your own rules, you send a clear message to yourself and the world that your comfort isn’t a priority.
True self-respect requires “setting boundaries” that are firm, kind, and non-negotiable.
3. You Accept Crumbs and Call It a Meal
This was me with Ben.
A last-minute text, a lazy compliment, the bare minimum of effort I’d feast on those little crumbs for days because I was starving for affection.
A woman who respects herself may be single, but she is not desperate.
She knows the difference between a man who is truly investing in her and one who is just keeping her on the hook.
This is often a sign of deep-seated “low self-worth”.
4. You Constantly Make Excuses for Poor Behavior
“He’s just really stressed at work.” “She didn’t mean it that way; she’s just brutally honest.”
“He had a really rough childhood.” While compassion is a virtue, using it to wallpaper over disrespect is a betrayal of yourself.
You can understand someone’s pain without allowing it to be an excuse to cause you pain.
5. You Outsource Your Self-Esteem
Your mood for the entire day is dependent on whether he texts you back, whether your boss praises your work, or whether you get enough likes on a photo.
When you hand over the power of your happiness to other people, your sense of self will be in a constant state of turmoil.
Self-respect is an inside job; it’s learning to be your own anchor in a stormy sea.
6. You’ve Lost Your Voice in Important Conversations
Think about the last time you disagreed with your partner or a friend.
Did you state your opinion clearly and calmly, or did you just go quiet to keep the peace?
For years, during a rough season with David, I would swallow my feelings to avoid a fight.
I thought I was being a peacemaker, but I was actually building a wall of resentment, brick by silent brick.
This is a classic symptom of being in “unhealthy relationships”.
7. You Tolerate Treatment You’d Never Want for Your Daughter
This is the ultimate gut-check.
If your daughter (or sister, or best friend) told you her partner was treating her the way you’re being treated, what would you say?
Would you tell her to be more understanding? Or would you wrap your arms around her and say, “Oh, honey.
You deserve so much better than this.” It’s time to start giving yourself the same fierce, protective love.
It’s time to “know your value”.
Your Path Back to You: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Your Worth
Recognizing the signs is the first, bravest step.
The next is the journey back to yourself.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but it starts with a single, intentional choice.
In the Moment: Start with One Small “No”
Your “no” muscle has atrophied.
You need to build it back, gently. Start small.
- “No, I can’t stay late tonight.”
- “No, that doesn’t work for me.”
- “No, I’m not comfortable with that.”
Don’t over-explain. Don’t apologize.
A simple, calm “no” is a complete sentence.
Redefine Your “Non-Negotiables”
Take out a piece of paper and write down 3-5 things you will no longer tolerate.
This is your personal bill of rights. It could be things like:�
I will not be ignored for days at a time. I will not be yelled at. I will not be the only one putting effort into this relationship. Look at this list every single day.
Reconnect With You
When did you last do something just for you?
Not for your kids, not for your partner, but for the sheer joy of it?
- Put on that playlist from college and dance in the kitchen.
- Take that painting class you’ve been eyeing.
- Go for a long walk in nature, alone.
- Take yourself out for coffee and a good book.
You have to get reacquainted with the woman you are when no one else is demanding a piece of you.
Anchoring Your Worth in Something Unshakeable
On my hardest days, when I felt my old, people-pleasing habits creeping back in, I had to ground myself in a truth that was bigger than my feelings.
The Prayer That Changed Everything
You are not a cosmic accident.
You were created on purpose, with purpose.
You were knit together by a God who doesn’t make mistakes.
Your worth isn’t determined by your relationship status, your productivity, or anyone else’s opinion.
It is inherent and unchangeable.
I wrote this prayer on an index card and kept it in my wallet for a long time.
Maybe it can help you, too.
God, help me see myself the way You see me. When I am tempted to accept less than your best, remind me that I am Your daughter, wonderfully made. Heal the parts of me that believe I am hard to love. Fill me with a quiet confidence that is not rooted in pride, but in the truth of who You say I am. Grant me the courage to honor myself, because in doing so, I honor the masterpiece You created. Amen.
A Final Thought: The Refinished Table
I have an old wooden table in my entryway.
I found it at a flea market, covered in scratches and ugly, peeling varnish.
It looked like junk. But I saw the good bones underneath.
For weeks, I worked on it. I stripped away the old layers.
I sanded it down, revealing the stunning, solid wood that had been hidden for years.
I polished it until it glowed.
I didn’t add the value; I just removed the junk that was covering up the value that was always there.
That table is you.
Life, painful relationships, and your own fears may have slapped on layers of junk that hide your true worth.
But underneath it all, you are still there. Strong. Beautiful. Valuable.
The journey of self-respect is simply the patient, loving work of stripping away the things that are not you, so you can finally see and honor the magnificent woman who has been there all along.
You’ve got this. The work is worth it. You are worth it.