It was a Tuesday. Or maybe a Thursday. Honestly, it doesn’t matter, because for a long stretch in our marriage, all the evenings started to feel the same.
David was on one end of the sofa, scrolling through his phone sports news or something.
I was on the other, scrolling through mine Pinterest boards of kitchens I’d never have.
We were in the same room, breathing the same air, but we were miles apart.
The silence wasn’t comfortable; it was just empty.
And I felt that familiar, heavy ache in my chest.
A loneliness that feels particularly cruel when you’re sitting right next to the person you promised your life to.
I wanted to feel close to him. I wanted to feel wanted. But I was terrified to be the one to bridge the gap.
What if I reached for his hand and he just gave it a quick squeeze before pulling away?
What if I suggested we head to bed a little early and he said, “I’m not really in the mood”?
It’s stunning how the fear of hearing some of the worst things a husband can say, even a gentle rejection, can keep us frozen in our own little corner of the sofa.
If you’re reading this, I bet you know that feeling.
You love your partner, you’re committed to your life together, but the romantic, flirty part of your relationship feels like a distant memory.
And you’re wondering, how do we get that back? And more terrifyingly, do I have to be the one to start?
Well, let’s pour a glass of wine and talk about it, sister to sister.
Because after nearly losing my marriage and fighting our way back, I’ve learned that sometimes, the person who feels the distance most has to be the one brave enough to build the bridge.
Shifting Your Mindset: An Invitation, Not a Risk
Before we even get to the how, we need to talk about the why.
For years, I believed the lie that men are the initiators and women are the responders.
But that’s a script from a black-and-white movie, not a real, thriving, modern marriage.
Making the first move isn’t desperate. It’s powerful. It’s a way of saying, “I choose you.
Out of everyone in the world, right now, in this moment, I desire you.”
It’s one of the most profound gifts you can give your partner.
Let’s be real for a moment. I’ve read the shocking facts about emotional infidelity, and it almost never starts with a dramatic affair.
It starts with small, quiet moments of disconnection that add up over time, creating a void.
By making the first move, you are actively guarding your marriage. You are tending the fire.
You’re reminding each other of all the beautiful signs God wants you to marry him that you saw in the beginning.
This isn’t about looking for signs God wants you to leave; it’s about fighting for the union He blessed.
Your Playbook for Making the First Move
Okay, so where do we start? It doesn’t always have to be a grand gesture.
Think of it like turning up the dimmer switch on a light, not flipping a switch from off to on.
The Gentle Nudge (Low-Risk, High-Reward)
This is all about non-verbal cues and breaking the physical distance without saying a word.
It’s perfect for when you’re feeling a little shy or unsure.
- The Five-Second Touch: The next time you walk past him, let your hand linger on his shoulder, his arm, or the small of his back for a full five seconds. Don’t rush it. It’s a silent way of saying, “I see you, and I’m connected to you.”
- The Intentional Gaze: When he’s talking, put your phone down, turn to him, and really look at him. Hold his gaze just a little longer than usual. It’s amazing how much desire can be communicated with just your eyes.
- The Sofa Slide: This is my go-to. Just close the gap. Slide over on the sofa so your leg is pressed up against his. You don’t have to say anything. The warmth of your body is the message.
The Playful Invitation (Flirty & Fun)
Sometimes you need to inject a little bit of the fun you had when you were dating back into your marriage.
This is about being a little more direct, but keeping it light and playful.
- The Mid-Day Text: Send a text that has nothing to do with groceries or the kids’ schedules.
- “Just thinking about that time we [insert a fun, romantic memory]. Hope you’re having a good day.”
- “Hey you. Just wanted to say I love you.”
- “I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
- The “Remember When” Game: When you’re having dinner, just say, “Remember when we went to that Italian place on our third date and you spilled wine all over your shirt?” Recalling shared memories is a powerful way to rekindle feelings of romance and connection.
- The Spontaneous Dance: Put on “your song” while you’re cleaning up the kitchen and just pull him in for a dance. It’s silly, it’s romantic, and it breaks the routine.
The Bold Statement (Direct & Vulnerable)
This takes the most courage, but it can have the biggest impact.
It’s about using your words to tell him exactly what you feel and what you want.
- State a Simple Truth: Look him in the eye and say, “I feel like we’ve been a little distant lately, and I miss you.” This isn’t an accusation; it’s a vulnerable admission that opens the door for a real conversation.
- Give a Specific Compliment: Go beyond “you look nice.” Try something like, “You know, when you were explaining that thing about your work earlier, it was really attractive. I love how passionate you are.”
- Make a Direct Request: This is the big one. It’s as simple and as terrifying as saying, “I’d love to just spend some time together tonight, just us. No phones, no TV. Just you and me.”
When Your Heart Needs Courage
I know these things can feel scary. That old fear of rejection is real.
And in those moments, when my own confidence wavers, I turn to the One who designed marriage in the first place.
Intimacy emotional, spiritual, and physical was God’s idea.
He created it for connection, for pleasure, and as a beautiful reflection of His own love for us.
Fighting for that intimacy in your marriage is holy work.
I often find myself praying a simple prayer when I’m feeling that distance creep in between me and David.
It’s on a little card on my nightstand.
Lord, thank You for the gift of my husband. Soften both of our hearts and remind us of the joy we first found in each other. Banish the fear and insecurity that keeps us apart, and give me the courage to be a bridge of love and grace between us tonight. Help me to see him the way You see him. Amen.
You Are the Keeper of the Flame
Think of your marriage like a hearth in the center of your home.
It provides warmth, light, and a gathering place for your family.
But it doesn’t burn on its own. It needs to be tended.
Sometimes, your partner will be the one to add a log. Other times, it has to be you.
Making the first move isn’t a sign that your fire is dying out.
It’s a beautiful, powerful act of tending the flame, ensuring it burns brightly for years to come.
You have this power. Be brave, be bold, and go get your man. He’s waiting for you, even if he doesn’t know it yet.