The phone call came on a Tuesday.
I was watering my hydrangeas, enjoying the quiet hum of a perfectly ordinary afternoon, when my daughter’s name flashed on the screen.
“Hey, sweetie,” I answered, cheerfully.
The sound that came back was not cheerful. It was a choked, hollow sob that felt like it came through the phone and punched me right in the gut.
And then came the words that every parent dreads, the ones that shatter the ordinary in an instant:
“Mom… he’s leaving me.”
In that moment, a thousand instincts roared to life.
The mama bear in me wanted to rage, to fix, to blame, to get in the car and drive the seven hours to her house to pack her things and bring her home. I wanted to take away her pain.
But as I stood there, phone pressed to my ear, listening to the raw sound of my child’s heart breaking, I remembered the long, dark season David and I went through years ago.
I remembered the nights I cried on my own kitchen floor, feeling like my world was ending.
And I knew, with a painful certainty, that I couldn’t fix this for her.
But I could help her.
If you’re reading this, your heart is probably aching for your own daughter.
You feel helpless, watching her navigate one of life’s most brutal storms.
So let’s sit down together. Pour yourself something warm. Because helping our grown children through divorce isn’t about fixing.
It’s about learning to be a lighthouse in the storm, not a rescue boat that gets battered on the rocks.
1. Create a Safe Space to Just Be
Right now, your daughter is being bombarded with opinions, legal jargon, and “”unsolicited advice”” from everyone.
What she needs from you is a judgment-free zone.
She needs a “”safe space”” where she can rage, cry, be irrationally angry, or just sit in stunned silence without you jumping in to solve the problem.
Your job is not to be her lawyer, her financial advisor, or her strategist. Your primary role is to be her soft place to land.
When David and I were struggling, the most healing moments were when a dear friend would just sit with me and say, “That sounds so hard. I’m so sorry.”
She didn’t try to fix my marriage; she simply held my pain with me.
That is your first and most important calling in this season.
Bite your tongue until it bleeds if you have to. Just listen.
What this sounds like:
- “I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m here to listen, day or night.”
- “You don’t have to be strong for me. Fall apart. I’ve got you.”
- “There are no right or wrong feelings right now. Whatever you’re feeling is valid.”
2. Be a Sanctuary, Not a Headquarters
It’s natural to want to take over.
You want to manage the logistics, call the movers, and screen her calls.
But you must resist the urge to become the CEO of her divorce.
Taking control, even with the best intentions, sends the message that you don’t think she’s capable of handling her own life.
This is a time she needs to reclaim her strength, not have it stripped away.
Instead of taking over, offer tangible, practical acts of service that provide comfort without control.
Think of it as providing “”emotional support”” through action.
- Stock her freezer. Drop off meals she can easily heat up. Nourishment is often the first thing to go during a crisis.
- Handle a chore. Offer to do her laundry, mow her lawn, or pick up her groceries. Removing one small task from her plate can feel like a monumental gift.
- Watch the kids. If there are grandchildren, giving her a few hours of child-free time to meet with a lawyer, go to therapy, or just take a long, uninterrupted nap is priceless.
3. Set Financial Boundaries with Love
Money makes everything more complicated, and divorce is no exception.
Your instinct may be to write a blank check to ease her suffering, but this can create unhealthy dependency and future resentment.
It’s crucial to establish loving “”financial boundaries””.
Before you offer help, sit down with your husband and decide what you can realistically and willingly give, without strings attached.
Is it a one-time gift to cover a lawyer’s retainer? Is it paying for a few therapy sessions? Is it covering one month’s rent?
Be specific and clear. An open-ended offer of “we’ll help with whatever you need” can become a source of stress and misunderstanding down the line.
Frame it as a loving gift to help her get back on her feet, not a permanent solution.
4. Model Grace (Especially Toward Her Ex)
This is the hardest one. The absolute hardest.
Because every fiber of your being wants to villainize the person who hurt your child.
But unless there was abuse, bad-mouthing her soon-to-be-ex-husband is a trap that helps no one, especially if they have children together.
She needs to go through her own “”grieving process””, which will include anger.
You can validate her anger without adding your own fuel to the fire.
Remember, he is still the father of your grandchildren and was once the man she loved.
By modeling grace, you give her permission to one day find peace instead of being consumed by bitterness.
A phrase to keep in your heart: “I can love my daughter fully without hating him.”
This doesn’t mean you condone his behavior.
It means you are choosing the higher road for the sake of your daughter’s long-term healing and the well-being of your entire family.
5. Gently Point Her Toward Her Own Anchor
Ultimately, you cannot be her everything through this. You can be a vital support, but she needs to build her own foundation of strength. This is the time to gently encourage her to find anchors outside of you.
Your role here is to be the person who normalizes getting help.
- “Honey, a friend of mine found a wonderful therapist when she was going through this. Would you be open to me helping you find someone to talk to?”
- “I saw a notice for a DivorceCare support group at a local church. It might be nice to connect with other women who get it.”
And for me, this is where faith becomes so much more than a Sunday platitude.
It becomes the anchor in the deepest part of the sea.
I can’t heal my daughter’s heart, but I can point her toward the One who can.
When Your Own Strength Runs Out
Mama, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Walking alongside your daughter in this dark valley will take a toll on you, too.
There will be days when her grief feels too heavy, her anger too sharp.
In those moments, you have to release her into God’s hands.
I have a prayer I’ve whispered a thousand times over my own children, and I offer it to you now.
Lord, I place my daughter into Your loving hands. Be the peace in her storm, the wisdom in her confusion, and the strength in her sorrow. When I am tempted to control, teach me to trust. When I am tempted to fix, teach me to listen. Shield my heart from her pain so I can be her sanctuary. Give her Your grace, and give me the grace to let You work. Amen.
This season is a marathon, not a sprint.
There will be good days and terrible days.
But your steady, non-anxious, and loving presence will be the constant she clings to.
You are not losing your daughter; you are watching her shed an old life to make way for a new one.
And with grace, she will emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient than before.
Hang in there. You are a good mom, and you are exactly the anchor she needs in this storm.