I remember the moment with painful clarity.
I was folding a mountain of laundry on our bed David was matching socks next to me and I realized we hadn’t really talked in three days.
Oh, we had communicated. We’d discussed who was picking up groceries, what time Sam’s flight was getting in for his visit, and the leaky faucet under the kitchen sink.
Our conversations had become a series of logistical transactions, the verbal equivalent of passing a baton in a relay race.
The silence between us wasn’t angry. It was worse.
It was tired. And as I folded one of his worn-in t-shirts, a wave of sadness washed over me.
We were incredible business partners in this enterprise called “our life,” but the fire, the fun, the spice?
It felt like it had been filed away in a folder labeled “From a Long, Long Time Ago.”
If that feeling is familiar, if you’ve ever looked at your husband and felt more like a roommate than a lover, I want you to know you’re not alone.
David and I have been married for 22 years, and I can tell you that the fire doesn’t just stay lit by itself.
Sometimes, you have to get intentional about tending the embers.
After that laundry-folding epiphany, David and I had one of those hard, honest conversations.
It was awkward and a little scary, but it was the start of us consciously, and prayerfully, choosing to bring the spice back.
And what we learned is that it’s not always about grand, romantic gestures.
More often, it’s about the small, consistent choices that say, “I still choose you. I still see you.”
So, let me pour you a cup of coffee, and let’s talk about what really works.
First, Let’s Be Real: It’s About More Than Just Sex
When we say “spice,” our minds often jump straight to the bedroom.
And while physical intimacy is a beautiful, God-given part of marriage, it’s often the result of a healthy connection, not the cause of it.
Lasting passion is built on a foundation of emotional intimacy.
When you feel seen, heard, and cherished, the physical part flows so much more naturally.
So, where do we start? We start with friendship.
Practical Steps to Fan the Flame
David and I realized we had to stop waiting for the mood to strike and start creating an atmosphere where romance could actually grow.
1. Flirt Like You’re Still Dating
Remember those early days? The butterflies?
You can bring that back, I promise.
Flirting is a low-pressure way to create anticipation and remind your husband that you find him attractive.
- Text Him During the Day: It doesn’t have to be scandalous! A simple, “Hey handsome, thinking of you” or “I can’t wait to see you tonight” can change the entire tone of his day (and yours!).
- Use Your Eyes: When he’s talking to you, really look at him. Hold his gaze for a second longer than you normally would. It’s a powerful, non-verbal way of saying “I’m here, and I’m interested.”
- Playful Touch: Don’t underestimate the power of small physical gestures throughout the day. A hand on his back as you walk by, sitting close enough on the sofa for your legs to touch, or holding hands while you’re driving. These little touches keep the connection simmering.
2. Ditch the “Business Meetings”
You have to carve out time to talk about things that are not on the family to-do list.
This was a huge one for us.
We started a new rule: for the first 15 minutes after we both get home, no talking about bills, schedules, or problems. We ask each other real questions.
Try asking things like:
- “What was the best part of your day?”
- “What’s something you’re excited about right now?”
- “Tell me something that made you laugh today.”
These questions rebuild your friendship and emotional connection, which is the best foreplay there is.
3. Shake Up the Routine
Routines are comfortable, but they can also be the enemy of romance.
Doing something new and different together can inject a powerful dose of excitement back into your relationship.
- Go on an Adventure: It doesn’t have to be a big trip. Explore a new part of your town, try a different restaurant, or go for a hike on a trail you’ve never been on.
- Learn Something New Together: Take a cooking class, a dance lesson, or even just watch a documentary on a topic you’re both curious about.
- Change the Scenery: Yes, even in the bedroom. Sometimes just lighting some candles or playing music can make a familiar space feel new and special.
The Heart of the Matter: Welcoming God into Your Intimacy
For me, I can’t separate a thriving marriage from a thriving faith.
Intimacy was designed by God to be a profound and beautiful way for a husband and wife to connect.
It’s a holy space. And sometimes, the best way to spice things up is to get back to the heart of why it matters.
David and I started praying for our intimacy.
It felt vulnerable at first, but it was transformative.
We prayed for renewed desire, for the energy to invest in each other, and for the ability to see each other through God’s eyes.
Here is a prayer that has sat on my nightstand for years.
Feel free to make it your own:
Lord, thank you for the gift of this marriage. Help us to see each other with fresh eyes and grateful hearts. Remove the exhaustion and distraction that pull us apart. Rekindle in us the passion and playfulness we had in the beginning. Bless our intimacy, and make it a true reflection of Your beautiful design a space of love, vulnerability, and joyful connection. Amen.
A Final Thought: A Fire Needs Tending
No one expects a campfire to burn brightly forever without someone tending to it.
You have to stir the embers, add new logs, and protect it from the wind and rain.
Your marriage is the same. The passion doesn’t just “disappear” it often just gets buried under the ashes of daily life.
The kids, the careers, the worries, the sheer exhaustion of it all.
Bringing back the spice isn’t about becoming two different people.
It’s about rediscovering the two people who fell in love in the first place.
It’s about making a conscious, daily choice to turn toward each other instead of away.
Be patient with yourselves. Start small. Send that one flirty text.
Hold his hand in the car. And watch how adding one small log to the fire can make the flames dance again. You’ve got this.