I still remember the knot in my stomach.
I was in my early twenties, years before I met my husband, David, and I was on a date with a man we’ll call Mark.
On paper, Mark was perfect. He was handsome, had a great job, opened every door, and said all the right things.
My friends were practically planning the wedding.
We were sitting in a lovely, candle-lit restaurant, and he was telling a charming story, but I couldn’t hear a word.
All I could hear was this… static. A low hum of “wrongness” in my soul that made my skin feel too tight.
It was a deep, quiet, unshakable feeling that despite the perfect picture in front of me, something was fundamentally out of tune.
I smiled, I nodded, but inside I was screaming, This isn’t it.
I went home that night and felt so confused.
He hadn’t done anything wrong. So why did I feel this profound sense of unease?
It wasn’t just nerves; it was a spiritual alarm bell I didn’t know how to turn off.
If you’re here, reading these words, I bet you know that feeling.
You’re with someone who might even be a wonderful person, but there’s a quiet whisper, a gentle but persistent nudge from God that you just can’t ignore.
It leaves you wrestling with the question: Is this God, or is it just my own fear and anxiety?
Pour yourself a coffee (or something stronger, no judgment here), and let’s talk it through.
Discerning God’s voice in the noise of our own hearts is one of the hardest things to do.
But after my own years of dating misadventures and even navigating a near-divorce crisis with David, I’ve learned that God’s warnings are often less like a thunderclap and more like a steady, quiet pressure.
First, Let’s Get One Thing Straight
This isn’t about looking for a “perfect” person. There is no such thing.
Every single relationship, including my 22-year marriage to a man I adore, requires grace, forgiveness, and hard work.
This is about discernment. It’s about recognizing when a relationship isn’t just difficult, but when it’s actively pulling you away from the person God created you to be.
Here are some of the gentle, and sometimes not-so-gentle, ways God might be showing you that this person isn’t the right one for your journey.
Unpacking the Signs: When God Says “No”
1. You Have a Persistent Lack of Peace
This is the big one. This was the “spiritual static” I felt with Mark. The Bible talks about a “peace that surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7), and let me tell you, its absence is just as powerful.
It’s a feeling of restlessness in your spirit when you’re with them or when you think about your future together.
It’s not just pre-wedding jitters; it’s a deep, foundational unease that doesn’t go away, no matter how much you try to talk yourself out of it.
These are often the first “signs from God he’s not the one” that we try to ignore.
2. They Pull You Away From Your Faith and Values
A God-ordained partner should be like a greenhouse for your faith, helping it grow.
They should sharpen you, as “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17).
If you find yourself consistently skipping church, praying less, compromising on your core beliefs, or hiding your spiritual side to make them comfortable, that is a giant, flashing red light.
The person God has for you will never be a stumbling block to your relationship with Him.
These are significant “spiritual red flags in a relationship” that you cannot afford to overlook.
3. The People in Your “Wise Counsel” are Worried
God often speaks to us through the wise, godly people He has placed in our lives.
If your trusted mentor, your prayerful best friend, or your parents (who have your best interests at heart) are all expressing gentle concern, listen.
Don’t just dismiss it as them “not getting it.” Pray and ask God to show you if they are seeing something you’re blinded to.
Often, they can see the dynamic from the outside with a clarity we just don’t have.
4. You Feel Like You Have to “Shrink” to Be With Them
Do you edit yourself? Do you quiet your passions, dim your ambitions, or hide your quirky personality traits because you’re worried they won’t approve?
In a healthy, God-honoring relationship, you should feel the freedom to be your fullest, most authentic self.
With David, even on our hardest days, I have never felt like I had to be less “Charlie.”
If you feel like you’re playing a part, it’s a sign that your true self and their true self are not a match.
5. There Are Constant “Check Engine” Lights
Sometimes the sign isn’t one big, dramatic event. It’s a pattern of small, recurring issues.
A constant string of “misunderstandings,” little digs at your expense that are passed off as jokes, a pattern of unreliability, or a recurring conflict that never gets resolved.
These are the check engine lights on the dashboard of your relationship.
You can ignore them for a while, but they are clear “signs God is showing you someone is not right for you”, indicating a deeper problem under the hood.
6. Your Visions for the Future are Fundamentally Incompatible
And I’m not talking about him liking the mountains while you prefer the beach. I’m talking about the big things.
The non-negotiables. Does one of you desperately want children while the other doesn’t?
Is your life’s calling to serve in a ministry that they openly mock? Do you have fundamentally different views on faith, finances, or family?
A partnership is about building a life in the same direction.
If you’re trying to build two different houses on the same foundation, the structure will eventually collapse.
7. You Pray for Confirmation, and All You Get Is Silence
When you’re truly seeking God’s will, and you ask Him for confirmation about the relationship, what do you hear?
Sometimes, His “no” comes in the form of a deafening silence.
It can also come as a scripture that seems to leap off the page, a closed door on a plan you made together, or just that continued, unshakable lack of peace.
When you’re trying to force it and asking God to bless your plan, the silence can be His merciful way of protecting you.
So, What Now? How to Move Forward with Clarity
Recognizing the signs is the first step. Acting on them takes courage.
- Create Space to Listen: You can’t hear a whisper if you’re standing in a rock concert. You may need to take some intentional space from the person to get quiet and untangle your feelings from their influence.
- Pray for Truth, Not a Specific Outcome: Shift your prayer from, “God, please make this work,” to “God, please show me the truth, even if it hurts. Give me the strength to accept Your will.”
- Surrender the Outcome: This is the hardest part. It means opening your hands and trusting that God’s plan for you is better than the one you’re clinging to so tightly. Trusting that “when God tells you to let someone go”, He is not punishing you, He is protecting you and preparing you for something more.
The Prayer That Carried Me
When my heart was confused, and I was afraid of making the wrong choice, I would pray this simple prayer. I offer it to you now.
Lord, my heart is a tangled mess. I lay this relationship before You. Drown out the noise of my own fear, my desires, and the opinions of others. Speak to me in the quiet places. Grant me Your supernatural peace if this is Your will, and make the path of exit clear and unmistakable if it is not. Give me the courage to trust You over my own understanding. Amen.
A Final Thought: The Right Key
I want you to imagine you’re standing in front of a door. God has a key for that door a key He designed perfectly for the lock.
When a relationship is wrong, it’s like we’re trying to jam the wrong key into that lock.
We can jiggle it, force it, and maybe even get it to turn partway, but it’s a struggle. It feels clunky, it damages the key, and it scratches up the lock.
But when it’s right when it’s the key God made for you it slides in and turns with an ease that feels like grace.
It doesn’t mean the house behind the door won’t ever need repairs, but getting in wasn’t a battle.
Don’t settle for a key that doesn’t fit.
Trust the loving God who is holding the right one for you, waiting for the perfect moment to place it in your hand.