The silence in the counselor’s office was so thick I felt like I could have choked on it.
David and I were sitting on a stiff, grey sofa, a full foot of space between us that might as well have been a mile.
We were in our late 30s, two kids, a mortgage, and a marriage that was silently crumbling.
We had become experts at the daily debrief the hollow exchange of logistics, schedules, and the ever-present, “How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“Good. You?”
“Busy.”
We were talking, but we weren’t connecting. We were roommates sharing a life, not partners sharing a soul.
The counselor, a kind woman with gentle eyes, let the silence hang for a moment before she turned to David.
She didn’t ask about the arguments or the distance. She just asked, “David, when in your life have you felt the most alive?”
I watched my husband, the man I thought I knew everything about after 15 years, just… stop. He blinked.
His shoulders, which had been tense up by his ears, lowered an inch. And he started talking.
Not about his work or the kids, but about a solo backpacking trip he took in college.
He spoke about the fear and the freedom, the way the air tasted at 10,000 feet.
And for the first time in years, I wasn’t just hearing my husband; I was seeing him.
And I realized we had forgotten how to ask the questions that matter.
If that feeling of distance sounds familiar, if you and your partner are stuck in the shallow end of conversation, I want you to know you’re not alone.
It happens to the best of us. Life gets in the way. But I am living proof that you can find your way back.
It starts with being brave enough to ask better questions.
Why We Stop Asking (And Start Assuming)
Let’s be honest, asking deep questions can feel… intimidating. David and I fell into every trap in the book.
- We got busy. Between work deadlines, soccer practice, and just keeping the house from falling apart, we were in survival mode. Deep conversations felt like a luxury we couldn’t afford.
- We got scared. What if I ask him if he’s happy and the answer is… no? Sometimes, it feels safer not to know the answer to a question you’re terrified to ask.
- We got complacent. After years together, you think you know all the stories. You assume you know how they’ll react, what they’ll say. That assumption is the slow, quiet killer of curiosity.
But curiosity is the lifeblood of intimacy. It’s the engine that keeps a relationship vibrant and growing.
So, let’s get that engine started again.
The Questions: Your Toolkit for Deeper Connection
Grab a bottle of wine, put the phones away, and make a pact to be open.
These aren’t for a rapid-fire interview; they are “deep conversation starters”.
Pick one or two and see where they lead.
The Rearview Mirror: Questions to Understand Your Past
These questions help you explore the landscape of your partner’s history and see how it shaped them.
- Besides me, who in your life has loved you the best? What did that love feel like?
- What’s a memory from your childhood that you now realize was more important than you thought at the time?
- What was the biggest risk you’ve ever taken, and what did it teach you?
- What’s something your parents taught you that you want to be sure we pass on? What’s something you want to leave behind?
The Here and Now: Questions for “building emotional intimacy”
These are about checking in with the person they are today their fears, joys, and secret inner world.
- What’s one thing I could do more of that would make you feel truly seen and appreciated?
- If you could silence one worry that keeps you up at night, what would it be?
- What’s a “small” thing that brings you an unreasonable amount of joy right now?
- Are you happy with the amount of physical touch (not just sex) in our relationship? When do you feel the most connected to me physically?
The Open Road: Questions to Dream Together
A shared future is built on shared dreams. It’s time to pull out the map and dream a little.
These are powerful “marriage questions” for the long haul.
- If money and obligations were no object, what would you want our life to look like in five years?
- What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind one day?
- What’s an adventure big or small that you want to have with me in the next year?
- When you picture us old and grey, what are we doing?
The Spice Rack: Questions to “reconnect with your partner”
Okay, let’s not forget the fun stuff! Charlie’s here to remind you that faith and passion are the perfect pairing.
These are meant to be playful, flirty, and a little bit spicy.
- What’s a fantasy you’ve been hesitant to share with me?
- When do you find me the most irresistible?
- What’s the most romantic or sexiest memory you have of us?
- Is there a text I could send you during the day that would make you think about me all afternoon?
How to Create a Safe Space for a Real Conversation
The questions are only half the battle. How you ask them is everything.
- Set the Scene: This is not a conversation to have when you’re both exhausted and scrolling on your phones. Make it intentional. Call it a “Date Night In.” Light a candle. Put on some soft music. Signal that this time is different.
- Listen to Understand, Not to Reply: Your only job when your partner is talking is to listen. Don’t defend, don’t interrupt, don’t problem-solve. Just receive their words as a gift. A simple “Tell me more about that” is the most powerful follow-up you can use.
- Go First: Vulnerability is a two-way street. If you want them to open up, you have to be willing to be vulnerable first. Answer one of the questions yourself to show that it’s a safe space to be honest.
The Foundation of it All
For me, this practice of asking questions goes beyond just relationship psychology.
It’s a spiritual practice. It’s about taking the time to see my husband not just as my partner, but as a soul created by God, with a universe of thoughts, memories, and dreams inside him.
When I get nervous to ask a tough question, or when my heart hardens, this is the prayer I whisper to myself:
Lord, give me the courage to be curious. Help me quiet my own ego so I can truly hear the heart of the person You have blessed me with. Give me the grace to receive their truth with love, and the wisdom to share my own with gentleness. Let this conversation be an act of worship, an exploration of the beautiful complexity You created in us. Amen.
A Final Thought: Your Relationship is a House
Think of your relationship as a house.
When you’re busy, you only live in a few rooms the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom.
You run through them every day, you know where the furniture is, and it’s comfortable.
But there are other rooms.
There’s an attic filled with old memories, a basement holding hidden fears, a study full of unrealized dreams, and maybe even a secret garden out back you’ve both forgotten about.
These “questions for couples” are the keys. They unlock the doors to those forgotten rooms.
It can be scary to go exploring you might find some dust or a few cobwebs.
But you will also find hidden treasures, beautiful views you forgot existed, and a deeper appreciation for the magnificent, complex, and beautiful structure you’ve built together.
You just have to be brave enough to turn the key.