I can still feel the weight of the pen in my hand.
It was a Tuesday afternoon, years ago, and my husband David and I were sitting in a sterile, beige counseling office that smelled faintly of lemon cleaner and desperation.
On the low table between us sat a stack of papers.
Our separation agreement. The first legal step toward ending our marriage.
My heart felt like a block of ice in my chest. I looked at David, the man I’d loved since I was 20, and saw a stranger.
The silence was filled with years of unspoken resentments, a devastating emotional affair that had shattered our trust, and the crushing feeling that we were utterly and completely broken.
In that moment, a question screamed through my mind, drowning out everything else: Does God even allow this? Am I allowed to give up?
I felt like I was failing him, failing my kids, and failing God all at once. The guilt was suffocating.
If you’re reading this, I imagine your heart is in a similar place.
Maybe you’re not in a counselor’s office yet, but you’re typing this question into a search bar in the dead of night, tears blurring the screen.
You’re looking for permission, for clarity, for a lifeline in a storm that threatens to pull you under.
I want you to know, first and foremost, you are not alone. And asking this question doesn’t make you a bad Christian.
It makes you a human being in immense pain, seeking wisdom from the only place that offers true and lasting peace.
So let’s sit down together, you and I. Let’s pour out the messy, painful truth and see what God’s word really says about this impossible situation.
Acknowledging God’s Heart for Marriage
Before we go any further, we have to start here: God’s design for marriage is that it’s for life.
When Jesus was asked about divorce, He pointed right back to the beginning, to Genesis.
He said, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’… So they are no longer two but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:5-6, ESV).
This is the divine ideal. A beautiful, unbreakable, covenantal union.
I believe with my whole heart that God’s first desire is always for healing and restoration.
He is a God who mends, who redeems, and who can make broken things new. I am living proof of that.
But our world is not ideal. We are broken people, and we live in the fallout of that brokenness.
And because God is both holy and compassionate, He makes concessions for the hardness of our human hearts.
He provides a narrow path out when a covenant has been irrevocably shattered.
The Biblical Permissions: When the Covenant is Broken
When I was in the depths of my own marital crisis, I studied these passages like my life depended on it because it felt like it did.
What I learned is that the Bible gives very specific allowances. It’s not a free-for-all, but a solemn recognition of profound betrayal.
1. The Betrayal of Adultery (Sexual Immorality)
This is the reason Jesus himself gives. In Matthew 19:9, He says, “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
The Greek word used here is porneia, which is a broad term that covers not just adultery, but all kinds of serious sexual sin outside the covenant of marriage.
This is the ultimate betrayal of the “one flesh” union. It’s a seismic event that shatters the foundation of the marriage.
This is one of the most widely accepted biblical grounds for divorce.
It’s a recognition that one partner has so profoundly broken the vow of faithfulness that the other partner is released from it.
It’s a permission, not a command. There is always room for forgiveness and reconciliation if both partners are willing, but the Bible acknowledges that this betrayal can be a covenant-ending act.
2. The Betrayal of Abandonment
The Apostle Paul addresses a different, but equally painful, situation in 1 Corinthians 7:15.
He’s speaking to Christians who are married to non-believers. He says, “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so.
In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
This is abandonment. If an unbelieving spouse cannot live with their partner’s faith and chooses to leave, the believing spouse is not bound to force them to stay. They are free.
While the context is specific, many theologians and pastors believe the principle can extend to other forms of abandonment.
This can include situations of profound neglect, emotional desertion, or, crucially, abuse.
When a spouse creates a home environment that is so toxic, dangerous, and destructive, they have, in essence, abandoned the covenant vows to love, honor, and protect.
They have left the marriage in spirit, if not yet in body.
A Roadmap for Your Heart: Before You Take a Step
If you see your story in one of these scenarios, the path forward is still one that requires immense wisdom and prayer. This isn’t a checklist. It’s a somber process of discernment.
Seek Godly Counsel Immediately
Do not walk this road alone. Before you even think about calling a lawyer, call a pastor or a trusted Christian counselor.
When David and I were at our lowest, our Christian counselor was the guide who held the lantern in our darkness. You need an objective, Spirit-led third party to help you see past your own pain and anger.
Pray for Wisdom, Not Just an Exit
It’s tempting to pray, “God, just give me a sign to leave.” But a more powerful prayer is one of surrender.
- Pray for Clarity: “Lord, my vision is clouded by hurt. Please show me the truth of my situation.”
- Pray for Healing: “God, whether my marriage survives or not, please begin the work of healing my shattered heart.”
- Pray for Your Spouse: This is the hardest one. Pray for their heart to be softened and for them to know God’s love, regardless of the outcome.
Remember: God Hates Divorce, But He Loves You More
The verse in Malachi that says “For I hate divorce” is often used as a weapon.
But it’s part of a larger passage where God is condemning men who were trecherously abandoning their wives for younger women.
He hates divorce because He hates the pain, the betrayal, and the covenant-breaking that leads to it. His heart breaks with yours. He is not standing over you with a scowl, but kneeling beside you in your grief.
Finding Strength in His Grace
When all feels lost, and you feel the crushing weight of failure, this is where you must anchor yourself.
I have a prayer I whispered a thousand times during that awful season of my life, a prayer that I still come back to when I feel the echoes of that pain.
Lord, You see the pieces of my heart and my marriage scattered on the floor. I am so tired and so hurt. Please, give me wisdom beyond my own understanding. Protect my heart from bitterness. If there is any path toward healing, light it for me. If the covenant is truly broken, give me the courage and peace to walk the path you set before me. Let me feel your love more deeply than I feel my pain. Amen.
A Final Thought: The Beauty in What is Mended
There is a Japanese art form called Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with lacquer mixed with powdered gold.
The belief is that the object is more beautiful for having been broken, and the cracks become a celebrated part of its history.
That is how God works with our hearts and our lives.
My marriage, by the grace of God and a lot of hard, painful work, became a Kintsugi marriage.
The cracks are still there, but they have been filled with the gold of forgiveness, redemption, and a deeper, more honest love.
But even if your marriage cannot be mended, you can be.
God can take the broken pieces of your life and your heart and put you back together with His golden grace.
Your story is not over. The breakage does not have to be the end. It can be the beginning of a new, stronger, and more beautiful you.
Hang in there, my friend. You are seen. You are loved. And you are not walking this path alone.