Let’s be honest for a minute. Pull up a chair and let me pour you some coffee.
Have you ever found yourself, in a quiet moment, wondering… Am I good in bed?
It’s one of those vulnerable questions we rarely say out loud, isn’t it?
For years, especially during the rockier seasons of my marriage to David, that question haunted me.
In a world that gives us a million conflicting messages about sex, it’s easy to feel insecure, lost, or like you’re the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out.
But after 22 years of marriage of navigating the exhilarating highs, the disconnected lows, and the grace-filled work of finding our way back to each other I’ve learned that being “good in bed” has very little to do with what you see in movies.
It’s not about perfect bodies or wild acrobatics.
It’s about connection. A deep, soulful, emotional connection that makes the physical part click into place.
It’s about making your partner feel seen, safe, and desired. So, let’s talk about what that really looks like.
The Real Signs of a Great Lover
Forget the checklists from glossy magazines for a second.
From my heart to yours, these are the signs that you’re truly connecting with your partner in a way that matters.
1. You Talk About It (Outside the Bedroom)
This is a big one. If you can talk about sex when you’re not having it, you’re miles ahead of the game.
Can you tell your partner what you like? Can you ask them what feels good?
Healthy, open communication is the foundation for a great physical relationship.
When David and I were struggling, the silence was the heaviest thing in our home.
Learning to talk about our needs and fears, even awkwardly at first, was the first step to healing.
It starts with simple, non-blaming “I” statements, like “I feel so connected to you when we…”
2. You Prioritize Their Pleasure
Biblical sexual ethics tell us that sex is meant to be about bringing pleasure and love to your spouse.
It’s an act of generous, self-giving love.
When you’re genuinely invested in your partner’s pleasure when you’re paying attention to their body, their responses, their breathing that is an incredibly powerful turn-on.
You’re not just going through the motions; you are actively loving them with your body.
3. There’s Laughter and Grace for Awkwardness
Let’s face it: sex isn’t always a perfectly choreographed ballet. Sometimes it’s clumsy.
Knees knock. Someone gets a cramp. If you can laugh together in those moments instead of feeling embarrassed, it’s a beautiful sign of the trust and safety between you.
You’re not performing; you’re just two real, imperfect people connecting.
The goal is connection, not perfection.
- “I feel…” not “You always…”
- Be a student of your partner.
- Grace over guilt, always.
4. The Connection Doesn’t End When the Act Does
How do you feel in the minutes and hours after you’ve been intimate? Do you feel closer? Do you cuddle? Do you talk?
That feeling of emotional closeness, often called the “afterglow,” is a huge indicator that you’ve experienced true intimacy, not just a physical act.
It shows that the emotional bond is just as important as the physical release.
5. You’re an Enthusiastic Participant
This isn’t just about initiating. It’s about being present and engaged in the moment.
It’s about showing with your body and your words that you are not only willing but excited to be there.
When your partner feels your enthusiasm through your touch, your voice, your responsiveness it makes them feel wanted and secure.
More Than Physical: The Sacred Side of Sex
In all our conversations about positions and techniques, it’s easy to forget the most important truth, especially for people of faith: sex within a marriage is a sacred gift.
It was designed by God to be a powerful bonding agent, a physical representation of two people becoming “one flesh.”
It’s an act that is simultaneously physical, emotional, and spiritual.
When you view it that way, the pressure to “perform” fades, and it becomes an act of worship and mutual love.
In my darkest moments, when I felt that chasm growing between David and me, this is where I had to turn.
I had to pray not just for our marriage, but for our intimacy.
Lord, thank you for the gift of intimacy in marriage. Remove any shame or insecurity from my heart and replace it with a spirit of joyful, generous love. Help me to see my husband the way You see him. Bless this part of our marriage, that it may be a source of strength, connection, and a reflection of Your own self-giving love. Amen.
A Final Thought: The Dance of Intimacy
I want you to think of your intimate life as a dance.
When you’re first learning, you might step on each other’s toes.
It can feel awkward, and you’re focused on just getting the steps right.
But the more you practice, the more you learn to trust each other, to anticipate each other’s movements, and to move in sync without even thinking.
The goal isn’t to be a perfect dancer; it’s to enjoy the music together.
Being good in bed isn’t a final destination you arrive at.
It’s a lifelong dance of learning, loving, and giving.
So be patient with yourself, be generous with your partner, and above all, lead with a loving and graceful heart.
You are not alone in this. You are worthy of a beautiful, connected, and fulfilling intimate life.